We Shouldn't (The Raven Brothers Book 2) Page 13

  I laughed at myself. I was the one that needed to learn to trust my feelings. Hunter seemed clear. I don’t want this to end, and I don’t think you do either. The truth was, he’d been open and even vulnerable to me with that statement. It proved that he did see me, and what was going on, differently. He was also right that I didn’t want it to end. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one that needed to forgive themselves for their past mistakes.

  19

  Hunter

  Wednesday

  All night, I thought about Grace. And now in my office, I was still thinking about her. God, how I wanted her, and I was certain she wanted me. I couldn’t blame her resistance to me. I was a risk. I could be unpredictable, and I often let down the ones I cared for in spectacular fashion.

  At the same time, I felt like a new man with her. I didn’t feel like I was idolizing her or whatever that transfer thing was that she was talking about. Instead, I felt more alive, more a part of the world around me. I’d been walking around numb and trying to keep to myself because I didn’t trust the world or myself. But with Grace, I felt calm and safe. And I wanted to be a better man, and to make her happy. The only reason I went to the group and yoga was because I wanted her to know I wanted to be better, and for her to be proud of me.

  I shook my head, knowing my brothers would call me pussy-whipped if they knew that was how I was feeling. I didn’t give a fuck. Whatever reason I felt that way, transference or not, whether my brothers thought I was a pussy or not, I liked it and wanted more of it.

  It also occurred to me when I woke from my dream with Grace telling me to let go of the rope, that it could mean I needed to let go of the guilt I was feeling. She’d said as much, but I wondered if that’s what the dream meant. Of course, that was easier said than done. I didn’t have control over my dreams. The fact that Sara’s battered and bruised face always showed up accusing me of killing her baby, suggested my subconscious still felt guilty. But myabe, the appearance of Grace in my dream meant I was making progress.

  There was a knock on the door, and Jacob poked his head in. “Sir?”

  “Come in, Jacob. Find anything?”

  “I’m not sure sir, but both your restaurant and club use the same linen delivery service. They each had deliveries about a day before the thefts. I didn’t see anything suspicious, but you said to look for anything that was similar between the two.”

  I sat back pondering what he was saying. “Are there any other overlaps? Booze or food delivery?”

  “You use the same service for both, but the linen delivery was the closest to the break-ins.”

  I nodded. “And why would the booze delivery take booze from one of our places when it would be easier to take it from the truck or warehouse.”

  Jacob shrugged.

  “Good work, Jacob. Have you been through all the tapes?”

  “No, sir. I’ve got several more to go through.”

  “Keep at it. This is good.”

  I watched him leave, feeling good about helping him, while also liking that I didn’t have to go through the tapes.

  I was reviewing security plans for the resort in Florida, when another knock sounded on my door. I wondered where Yvonne was that she wasn’t announcing my guests.

  Ash opened the door. “Don’t shoot the messenger. Chase has called a meeting.”

  “Okay.” I closed my folder and stood.

  Ash quirked a brow. “No grumbling or snarky comment?”

  “Do you want one?”

  He laughed. “No.” We walked together to the conference room. I noticed Yvonne over by the other secretaries, sitting on the edge of a desk. When she saw me, she smiled and crossed her long legs. I had a strong will, but I’d be the first to admit that I’d let a woman seduce me. In this case though, I wasn’t the least bit interested. So, I ignored her and walked into the conference room.

  Chase sat in my father’s spot, while my me and my brothers took our usual positions.

  “Any updates on the thefts?” Chase asked.

  “I’ve thought it could be an inside job. I’ve got a new guy working on the surveillance tapes. He’s caught that the linen service was done just prior to the break-ins at the restaurant and club, so it could be a periphery job. There’s nothing more to report, but I’ll look into it.”

  “Any new incidences?” Chase asked.

  I shook my head. “None that I’ve heard of. We’ve beefed up security and re-ran background checks.”

  “Is that legal?” Kade asked.

  “Do you care?” I quipped.

  Kade smirked. “Not really. I just don’t like people invading what’s mine.”

  “Sounds like you’re on top of it. Great work,” Chase said. I liked the kudos, but I only responded with a nod. Then I waited for him to ask about my work with Grace. What was he going to do when he learned I wasn’t working with her anymore? I figured, as long as I stayed even-keeled, I’d be alright.

  My brothers shared their updates and Chase gave us an overview of the rest of the company, and my father’s trip to Europe.

  “Any sign he’s easing up on this crazy inheritance plan?” Ash asked.

  “No,” Chase said. “In fact, he’s feeling even better about it.”

  “Thanks to you,” Kade said derisively. “Whatever water you drank to turn your heart to a sappy mess, I don’t want any part of it.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  Kade shook his head. “And Sara, Jesus, how much money did you agree to pay her—”

  “Back off,” Chase said, his expression turning dark. “I’ll take whatever infantile shit you want to toss at me, Kade, but you’ll not talk about Sara like that.”

  “You have to admit Dad’s plan is ridiculous,” Ash said. “We all know you’d do anything to take charge and right now. You’d get it all.”

  “You never did like to share,” Kade added. “Are you going to kick us out like you’ve threatened Hunter? Lower our salaries?”

  “Ash and Hunter no, but maybe yours, Kade,” Chase shot back.

  In an instant, the room was filled with grown men shouting, pointing fingers. Kade tossed a few choice words my way, and I could feel tension building in my jaw and shoulders. My body started to heat. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as Grace had taught me. It took several inhales and exhales, but eventually, I felt tension release.

  I opened my eyes, and this time I was able to view them objectively, like an outsider. From my standpoint, they looked crazy. They were grown men arguing like children. Jesus, did I look like that when I engaged with them?

  Finally, as a headache started to form, I took a page from Grace’s book, I put my thumb and middle finger up to my lips and blew out a loud whistle that had them all stopping mid-shout.

  I stood, smoothing out my tie. “There’s no reason to pick on Chase for what Dad did. And if anyone goes after Sara, they’ll need to get past me.” I moved to leave.

  “Why are you defending Chase? He’s ready to toss you from the company,” Kade said, looking at me like I’d grown a third eye.

  “Aren’t you exhausted by this?” I asked. “The fighting and competing? Maybe we can just stop for a minute. Perhaps Dad is right. I mean look at Chase. He’s happier than he’s ever been. He’s definitely happy than you two fucks.”

  “Jesus, you’ve drunk the water,” Kade said.

  I watched him, surprised that my temper was still at a mild level instead of full tilt. “You really do need to grow up, Kade. There’s more to life than your ego, restaurants, and your dick. To think I served my country so that you could be an entitled, lazy asshole makes it hard.” I shook my head, not liking how bad that sounded. I inhaled. “My point is, if you don’t like it, Kade, take it up with Dad, leave, or do something. Whining about it to Chase is getting annoying and doesn’t do anything but make you look like a spoiled brat.”

  I looked to Chase. “I have work to do. Are we done?”

  Chase studied me. I saw surprise in his expression, but also
approval. “Yes.”

  I left the conference room and headed to my office. Yvonne was in her chair at her desk for once.

  “Mr. Raven,” she stood and leaned over her desk to hand me messages. Her blouse had one button too many undone. “Here are your messages.”

  “Thank you.” I took them. “Ms. Nichols, you have a button undone.”

  “Oh, do I?” She looked down, but made no move to fix it.

  “If it’s an accident, you need to fix it. If it’s on purpose, you should go back and read the employee handbook on proper attire.”

  I turned and went into my office. A few minutes later, she buzzed my office.

  “Mr. Chase Raven is here to see you.”

  “Send him in.”

  Chase walked in, and for the first time, I really studied him. He was my big brother, and I’d always looked up to and admired him, especially when we were kids. But then Dad got his idea that we had to compete against each other for the company. I’d resented Chase for following Dad’s directive and turning against us, or me more specifically. I’d always been an outsider in the family, but when they’d all drank Dad’s Kool-Aid, I’d really felt it. My mom was the only person who saw the madness of it.

  I’d escaped it by joining the military and came back even more disconnected from my family than when I’d left. Chase had become more and more like our father. Ash had withdrawn emotionally after something had gone wrong with a woman. I didn’t know what, and at the time, I didn’t give a fuck. Then there was Kade. I worried about him the most. Even if he decided to get married for his inheritance, I couldn’t imagine a woman putting up with his whining for long.

  But Chase, now with Sara, he was different. He was the person I’d remembered before Dad had ruined us.

  “What’s up?” I asked motioning for him to sit.

  “That was quite a speech you gave.”

  I shrugged. “I was annoyed.”

  Chase grinned. “You used to take our heads off when you were annoyed.”

  “I’ve been doing yoga.” Normally, I wouldn’t have admitted to that, but it seemed funny in this case, and I wasn’t particularly interested in heavy, deep and real talk at the moment.

  Chase did laugh. “Sara had me doing that. Mostly, I do it because I like to watch her move. Even pregnant she—well…”

  I nodded. “TMI, bro.”

  His eyes narrowed, and I had the sense he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how. It made my body tense.

  “I wanted to thank you for looking out for her when I’m away.”

  The tension lessened slightly. “Sure.”

  “I’m just curious about why you didn’t tell me you were doing it? You didn’t tell anyone.”

  I rolled my shoulders as my guilt about Sara gathered in my gut. “It’s my job.”

  “No, it’s not.” Chase leaned forward. “She’s my responsibility.” He scraped his hands over his face. “And I fucked it up big time.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  He looked up at me, and I saw pain in his eyes. I knew that pain. It was the pain that guilt caused.

  “I did. And oh, the price I paid. I made her pay.” He sat back in his chair. “I’ve never properly thanked you for being there for me.”

  I didn’t know what to do with his gratitude.

  He looked at me, cocking his head. “What?”

  “It was my fault. What happened to Sara and your child is on me. You should be kicking my ass and running me out of the company.”

  His brows shot to his hairline. “What?”

  “It was my job to protect her. To find out about that douchebag ex and her pervert professor. It was my job to find her. I didn’t do any of that.”

  “You did.”

  “Not well enough.” A wave of sadness swept through me. “Jesus, Chase. I’m so sorry.” I realized I’d never told him that. Or Sara. “I hope you and Sara can forgive me.”

  He watched me for a minute, and I wasn’t sure if he was gathering anger as he realized I was right or if he was just confused. “I don’t blame you, Hunter. Neither does Sara. It never occurred to either of us to blame you. No forgiveness is needed.”

  “It is. It’s been fucking eating me alive.” I couldn’t believe I was sharing this with him. It was risky because while he wasn’t the ruthless brother I’d known a year ago, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t see my confession as weakness and use it against me.

  “That’s what it was?” He shook his head. “I knew something happened months ago to change you but couldn’t figure it out.”

  “I’ll leave if you want.”

  “Fuck no,” Chase said adamantly. “No Hunter. What happened wasn’t your fault. No one but you blames you. Really. I’ve been so grateful that you were there when Glen approached her the first time, and how you came right away when she went missing. How you stopped me from killing Glen so I didn’t have to go to prison. And now, to find out you’ve been keeping an eye on her—really, man, you’ve done so much.”

  Something started to release in my chest and it made tears pool in my eyes, but I swallowed them. I wasn’t going to be a big pussy.

  “You don’t have to watch her, though. I’ve got that covered.”

  “James is only one man,” I said glad to move away from the more emotional aspects.

  “He’s not the only one. And it’s not your job, Hunter. If you’re feeling some sort of need to watch her because of guilt, stop. Really. I don’t want you to feel that.”

  The guilt wasn’t gone, and yet, I did feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of my chest.

  I nodded.

  “That was why, right? Because you felt you needed to make it up to her?”

  I nodded. “I’m not in love with her.”

  Chase laughed. “I didn’t think you were.”

  I shrugged, feeling embarrassed by my comment. “Grace thought I was.”

  “Grace. You mean Ms. Reynolds? She seems to be helping.”

  “Yes.” There was a lot to tell him about what was actually going on, but I was emotionally whipped and decided it could wait.

  “I’m glad, Hunter. It’s always broken my heart how the military affected you. I know you don’t give a shit about Dad’s new will, but I hope that maybe someday you’ll find peace and love. There is a magic to it, and I know that sounds ridiculous. If you try to use my saying that against me with Kade and Ash, I’ll deny saying it.”

  I laughed. “It will stay between us.”

  “Good.” He stood, and I rose to walk him out.

  He surprised me by pulling me into a hug. “You were always my favorite little brother.”

  I patted his back. “Well, of course.”

  When he left, I felt…euphoric. Like the moment right after an orgasm. Well, maybe not that good, but still, I felt light and free. I didn’t know how Grace was feeling about me, but I had to talk to her about it. I wondered if or even when she’d agree to see me again.

  I left my office to check on Jacob and was thinking of running down to Grace’s office when Kade stopped me in the hall.

  “That therapy of yours seems to be working,” he said.

  “Yep.” I’d had a nice heart-to-heart with Chase, but I wasn’t sure Kade had a heart, so I was going to keep my insights from counseling to myself.

  “Of course, that sexy prim therapist is probably easy to work with.”

  Heat flooded every cell of my body. I clenched my teeth. “I’m not cured yet. You keep your dirty mind off Grace.”

  Kade laughed and slapped me on the back. “Whoa there, big bro. I’m just glad you’re doing better. That old Hunter was an asshole.” Then he walked off. I would know I was fully in control of myself the day that I could be around Kade and not want to kick his ass. That day was not today.

  20

  Grace

  Wednesday

  Just because I had several years of post-secondary education plus another two years of supervised training in understanding and
helping people, didn’t mean I was a perfect person. I was far from it, and I didn’t always have the objectivity to realize my own problems. Hunter’s comments about how I’d essentially tossed my ethics and virginity aside for him, played through my head all night. Added to that was the feelings I’d been having for a while, that private practice work wasn’t fulfilling to me. That led to guilt, because what did it say about me that helping people live better lives through counseling wasn’t my passion?

  I forced myself to sift through my feelings, and a couple of things became clear. One, I didn’t want to stop seeing Hunter; and two, it was time to assess what I needed to do professionally to feel more fulfilled.

  Making the decision to keep seeing Hunter came with its own set of problems. I believed he was sincere when he said he thought we had something, but that didn’t mean he loved me or that whatever was between us would last. That meant there was a chance, a pretty high one, that I’d get my heart broken. When it happened, it would be worse than what happened with Mike, I was sure. A part of me wanted to protect myself and continue my plan to avoid entanglements with Hunter. My brain reminded me how poorly that was going, since I’d had sex with him twice.

  But the therapist side of me urged me to take the chance. The most fulfilled people were those who didn’t cower to risks, and instead, grabbed life by the horns and lived. Hunter might hurt me, or he might be the love of my life, or maybe I’d be the one to hurt him. Gosh, I hoped not. What I knew for sure was that in the short run at least, I’d be happy, and that was worth indulging.

  So, the next day, after my final client in the afternoon, I headed up the elevator to Hunter’s office. I was scared to death. What if he changed his mind about me? Or what if he didn’t really feel as strongly as I thought he felt?

  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I reminded myself.

  The secretary eyed me with disdain, which I thought was strange, but I ignored it since she announced me to Hunter. Luckily, he granted me access to his office right away.

  We’d always met in the special office down the hall, so I’d never spent time in his office. Similar to the one we had used for counseling, his office had a couch and chairs, a desk, and a large window overlooking Manhattan. It was masculine without being stark, comfortable without being too feminine.